Struggling (This is WAY Out of my Comfort Zone)

(I thought sharing my pre and post P90x3 pictures was difficult.  This looks deep into my very being at this point in time.)

I’ve thought long and hard about whether or not to type this, to write it all down and put it out there.  But the more I have thought about it, and the more I just want to break down and cry, I realized I’m not the only mom out there who is thinking the same thing I am.  So all you moms out there who are confused, struggling, unsure of where they should be, this is for you.

I’m struggling right now.  I realized this week that my dream of being a stay-at-home mommy has slipped through my fingers.  My youngest will be going to school ½ time next year and then full time the year after that, and that means even if I could figure out how to stay home, I have no one to stay home with.  I’m grieving this right now.  All I wanted to do/be when I grew up was be a mommy.  I didn’t dream about being a teacher, I just wanted to stay home and have fun with my kids like my mom did.

I have been praying for a good two years now for a change that will bring some simplicity to our lives.  I realize that life doesn’t have to be easy, but I feel like it doesn’t have to be as crazy as mine seems to be.  I trust God, and I feel like little changes, good changes, have happened because of this, but nothing big has happened. 

I sat through last year watching over 10 people in my life make big, exciting changes for their lives.  I prayed for opportunities and looked in to options, but nothing panned out.  So I continue to live in one community, work in another, and juggle two sets of school schedules.  And I’m frustrated and done with it but have no idea what to do. 

I feel like I have lied to myself for the last 8 years, pretended this was okay.  I convinced myself I would work it out, get to be just Mom, and that if I had to work having my summers and Christmas break to play was a good option.  I lied so that I wouldn’t be where I am now, devastated that it didn’t happen for me. 

I have been so cranky at home this week because of this realization.  It’s not fair to my family or to me, but it just has to come out.  I have to deal with this.  I have to grieve this loss and learn to move on.

What scares me most about losing this dream, is I’m not sure what I’m dreaming for next. 

My Work Here is Done.....not really

Last day of freedom today.  Hot August air and a light breeze swept across us as we used every single minute of this precious day to ride bikes, play baseball, hang with the dog, drink lemonade slushes, and just be free.

I've been looking back at this whole summer filled with regret and a longing for a do-over since it hasn't been what I wanted it to be.  Every single appointment scheduled (not even kidding, every single one) was rescheduled at least once, and some of them twice.  It was so hard to keep up, not to mention we usually get all that running around done in June so that July is free for just taking off when my farming hubby has a moment.  But this summer we were still filling cavities last week.

So I decided that part of today was going to be to sit down and get the summer pictures off the camera and on to the computer.  It was the least I could do and then it would be done.  The first pictures I ran into were from Pancake Days, an annual event in a small town just 10 minutes from us.  "Tradition" for us is to attend the parade the first night, do the pedal pull and then ride rides.  This year, we went the second day.  I was bummed about this, but the kids had a great time and looking back at the photos proved they didn't care what they had missed, they had fun with the time they got.

ALL of my first cousins/half siblings (not as hill billy as you think, our dad's are identical twins so we share DNA) stayed at our house for a couple days for the fam damily rebellion.  It was so much fun having them all here. 

Then I got to pictures of our super quick trip to Rapid City.  We had originally planned on going out the day after school got out and spend 4+ days.  You're catching on because you're already thinking, "That didn't go as planned."  Nope, it didn't.  We didn't go until 2 months after we had planned and we were only there for one full day.  But we went to Crazy Horse and Story Book Island and even though Deegan was sure he was going to HATE Crazy Horse, he was loving it within the first 5 minutes. 

We got to go camping for a week.  It was kind of a last minute, Troy doesn't have much going on the farm right now, kind of deal, but we got to go camping.  We ran home for several appointment 3 out of the 6 days, but hey, we camped.  We roasted marshmallows, played games in the camper when it rained on us, and even managed a dip in the river.  It was great to be "unplugged" for hours on end and not care if I checked in with anyone.

I got to go to Colorado with my hubby.  Granted it was to clean out his aunt's house, but I got to spend some quality time with him in the car on the way home, hang out with my in-laws on the way there, and I learned a lot about his aunt and found some cool things at her place. 

I also got to hang out with my fellow little people teachers this year and do some presenting for the state department of ed.  Great professional experience, me time, and best of all I got to hang out with some awesome hosts who I love dearly.

So this summer wasn't what I had planned, wasn't even what I thought I wanted at the beginning of it, but I did a lot, have a lot to be thankful for, and looking back realize that we made memories as a family and that's really all that matters.

Oh yay, my work here is done, you're probably wondering.  Today I really realized just how much my kids have grown this summer.  Miri Jo decided she was going to vacuum her room today and even though it took her 15 times longer than it should take, she did all of it, by herself.  And my work here is done.  I no long need to clean here!  Just kidding....Deegan and Mazee just pulled crackers out for snack and are leaving crumbs on my floor! 

Exercise: It’s not about the numbers, at least for me it’s not

Many people workout to lose weight or inches.  I’m not.  I weigh myself at the doctor’s office, and even then I don’t look at the numbers.  For those of you who know me you’re thinking, I’m little I don’t need to worry about these things.  True story, I am little by nature, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get chubby! Plus I think if I focused on what my scale said I would become obsessed and that takes the fun out of everything! 

I work out for reasons that can’t be measured in numbers.

1.    I am happy.  Endorphins make me happy, happy, happy.  And feeling happy keeps me focused on the positive.

2.  I am healthier.  I haven’t had a sinus infection in the longest time, and I used to have at least one a winter.  My unprofessional opinion is that jumping around gets all the junk loosened and draining.   

3.  Fewer migraines and fewer headaches in general.  Yes, fewer migraines.  It’s one of the main reasons why I got back into working out.  My chiropractor recommended rehab, and I figured if I was already strengthening my neck I might as well get the rest of my body involved.

4.  Speaking of the chiro…I haven’t been there in ages.  I used to love going to the chiro and needed to go every 6 weeks.  Now my neck doesn’t stay tense and my hip stays in place.  Keeping all my muscles strong helps out on many levels.

5.  Less stress.  When I lift or run or just jump around endorphins release and my mind clears.  I have been known to come home after a rough day and sweat for 30-45 minutes.  Yes, wine can help too. J

6.  I’m setting a good example for my kids.  My kids don’t sit still, just like me, so being sedimentary isn’t a huge issue.  But they can get sucked into the TV and Wii, and during the winter it’s harder to go outside and build forts.  Plus no matter how active they are, they are still predisposed to hereditary diseases that are less of an issue with a healthy active life style. 

7.  No meds.  I would love to not be on cholesterol meds by age 40.  Unfortunately due to family history medication is most likely the path I’m destined.  But if I don’t try to keep those numbers low with diet and exercise I will never know. 

Bonus: My clothes fit better and toned muscles.  I’m not going to lie, I am enjoying that bonus!  However you’re still never going to see me in a bikini!   

If you’re starting your own fitness journey, good for you!!  It’s a hard journey to start, but once you commit it becomes easier each and every day.  If you need the scale or inches for motivation, go for it, but if you think the numbers are going to get in the way, ignore them.  What truly matters is that you are taking care of your body and promoting healthy living.

To Resolve or Not to Resolve....

Welcome 2014!  Wishing you all a merry and blessed new year!

It’s January 2, the day when all your New Year’s Resolutions come to light.  Are you really going to do it this year?  Will they last longer than a week? A month? A couple months?  Who knows?  A friend of mine posed the question on Facebook the other day, and it got me thinking.  I haven’t made a New Year’s Resolution in years (guess you could say that not resoluting is my resolution.  J ).   Why don’t I make resolutions?  Simple, I believe self-improvement can and should happen when one is inspired to do so, not when the “magic” time rolls around.

In July of 2013 I decided that my prayer life and quality family time needed an overhaul.  Finding time for these things is difficult when I’m not teaching, but once school starts it seems impossible. 

 

I have always been great at stashing meals in the freezer but that only got me so far.  So I dove into meal planning, and by planning I mean the first 6 weeks of school with the grocery list on one side and when needed to be pulled out of the freezer on Sunday night on the other.  I thought maybe I was insane, but it saved me TONS of time.  I spend less money and time in the grocery store and less time in front of the stove when I got home.  No spinning mind wondering what we should have for supper only to find out I’d forgotten to pull the hamburger out to thaw.  All this added up to more quality family time and less stress for me!

As far as pray time goes, I asked for help.  I knew I couldn’t do it alone so I asked some very dear friends to pray for me and keep me accountable.  They all had amazing ideas to help keep my pray life solid and fruitful.  It has also created a bond with these women I could have only imagined.  I now get my rosary said on the way to work, bedtime prayers in with the kids almost every night, and other prayers said while brushing my teeth.  I also journal when I can and seek inspiration where God leads, which has been in some crazy ways! 

Clear back in June 2012 I decided I needed to get my butt back in shape for a variety of reasons.  It was a rather difficult decision since I was used to being in shape as a HS and college athlete.  But that was many years and 3 kids ago!  I dreaded the idea of gasping for breath and having every muscle in my body ache, but I started.  I made a list of all the reasons why I was going to stick with working out (by the way, losing weight was not on the list and my list will follow in another post). 

Know what?  My last horrid migraine was over 3 years ago, before I got back into shape.  My headaches in general have decreased and my whole body has fewer issues.  I have more energy now, and I haven’t been really sick in a long time (probably just jinxed myself). 

As far as I’m concerned go ahead and make your new year’s resolutions.  I wish you luck with them, but if they don’t pan out, don’t be afraid to do some self-improvement throughout the year. 

The "Cost" of Raising a Child

My sister and I discuss our kids all the time.  Mainly we discuss the hilarities and milestones, but we also discuss the difficulties and challenges we face as mommies.  On a recent run, my sister mentioned how often she’ll hear someone talk about the cost of having a kid.  I’ve heard people say that before too, but I agree with Martha, I didn't really think about the cost of my kids, I just always knew it came as part of the package.  As Martha said we pay for the life we want to live.  Kids are just a part of the cost of living the life we want to live. 

Our conversation got me thinking about the actual “cost” of kids.

Sure there is the monetary cost of raising kids (which is what most people are talking about) but I never really worried about dollaring it out.  Sure it’s nice not having to purchase diapers for Miri now that she’s potty trained, but there are dental and doctor bills, new shoes they’ll outgrow in a week, school supplies, etc.  Spending money is just part of raising kids.  I believe, and I think others will agree, I will PAY for good day care, good food, and other necessities for my kids.  I want them to be well taken care of.

Money aside there are other “costs” to raising kids.  Loss of sleep, lack of alone time, baring stretch marks and a mommy tummy, listening to 2 year tantrums, washing endless loads of laundry and dishes, eating interrupted meals because of meat cutting, food cooling or needing more drink, worrying about things you never thought possible to worry about, lack of freedom to just go somewhere, listening to never-ending stories and songs when all you really desire is a moment of silence…the list can go on and on. 

Each of us mommies has a list.  Many items on that list are shared and some are unique to our own set of circumstances.  We all signed up for this, okay maybe not (there are surprises you know!).  However, once you become a mom there is an unexplainable bond with your child that never ends.  That bond is another “cost” of having a child. 

While there are “costs” to having children, I don’t mind them, and (here’s the kicker) I really don’t see them as “costs” but rather blessings.  Sure I have those days where I am definitely not paid enough to listen to my children fight or clean up puke, but I have been blessed with three happy, healthy children.  My kiddos bring me more joy than the extra mile I could’ve ran or the clothes I could have bought with money saved from not having to buy diapers. 

They are a source of wonder and entertainment.  I love watching my kids have new experiences and make discoveries.  Their stories and ways of thinking make me laugh.  And when I look into their big blue eyes they remind me of their daddy and make me wonder what they will do with their lives.  Watching them grow up is like being a part of the best movie or book ever.  I really could not ask for more. 

All these things, they aren’t costs, all these things are blessings.  Blessing that are just a part of living the life I want to live. 

My little blessing makers

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

This Mother’s Day I want to give a shout out to my own Madre.  She’s put up with me my entire life, although there are days I’m not sure why.  And then she gave me a brother and two sisters to corrupt…I mean play with.  What was she thinking??

Mom taught me to be myself.  She always let me be involved in things I wanted to be involved with and let me find my way. Mom guided me but never forced me in a direction.  She says she always knew I would become a teacher, but when I headed to college for graphic design she didn’t say a thing.  She let me go down the art major path.  She knew it was a path I needed to take, that I needed to find my own way.  And the art path was the best thing for me.  It made me a well-rounded elementary teacher. 

Mom taught me how to be confidence and have self-worth.  She taught me to hold my head high and stand up for what I believe in.  I watched her struggle with CCD classes, parents of students, and the crazy things her children have done to her, but she’s always stayed in and fought. 

Mom taught me that beauty is on the inside of a person and not on the outside.  Now I personally believe my mom is a beautiful woman, but she’s not a super model.  :)  When her hair started turning gray, and she gained a few wrinkles, she didn’t grab the hair color or freak out, she embraced the change in her life and the “wise” look age gives you.  Not only does she sport the wise looking gray hairs, but she is wise.  Mom has never forgotten anything she’s ever heard, read, seen, experienced.  You can look into her eyes and know that she’s just waiting to share some tidbit with you. 

Her wiseness has kept me grounded.  My mom is a great sounding board.  She gives her words of wisdom and leaves me feeling like I have some guidance and thinking to do.   Mom doesn’t remember “the good old days” she remembers things for what they were.  She didn’t glorify being married, child birth, learning to breast feed, or raising children.  She remembers the good and the bad and doesn’t sugar coat the bad.  I learned from her that sometimes mommyhood just stinks and “this too shall pass”!  And she’s thanking God he gave me kids just like me! 

She’s always been MOM first and my friend second, and she wasn’t my friend until I was old enough to need a mom friend.  But she still is my MOM.  She will tell me like it is when she doesn’t agree or thinks I’ve made a poor choice.  And countless times she’s brought me down to Earth. 

Mom taught me how to cook and bake.  Growing up we spent a lot of time in the kitchen together.  She let me make a mess in the flour from the moment I could sit on the counter and help.  Some of my favorite memories were made in the kitchen making little loaves of over kneaded raisin bread. 

My mom taught me to be silly.  From character voices to silly songs, Mom kept intrigued and our imaginations reeling.  She also taught us how to document those imaginations using proper grammar and spelling.  (Once and English teacher, always an English teacher) 

Mom taught me about the important things in life.  I tease her about unwaxed floors and stacks of papers, but my house is messier.  She showed me that a spotless house is not as important as spending time with your family.  It’s because of her that I don’t freak out when the floor under the table doesn’t get swept or the laundry sits in the basket or on the couch for over a week. 

Speaking of important things, the most important thing my Mom (along with Dad) taught me was about faith and having God in my life.  I’ve been grounded in my faith from day one (and by day one I mean conception).  My parents brought me up in the church.  They gave me the tools to explore my faith and helped me make it my own. 

Thank you Mommy for being Dan, Martha, Meg, and my mom!  Thank you for teaching me how to be a good mom!  Thank you for being you and thank God for making you my mommy!  Love you!