(I thought sharing my pre and post P90x3 pictures was difficult. This looks deep into my very being at this point in time.)
I’ve thought long and hard
about whether or not to type this, to write it all down and put it out
there. But the more I have thought about it, and the more I just want to
break down and cry, I realized I’m not the only mom out there who is thinking the
same thing I am. So all you moms out there who are confused, struggling,
unsure of where they should be, this is for you.
I’m struggling right
now. I realized this week that my dream of being a stay-at-home mommy has
slipped through my fingers. My youngest will be going to school ½ time
next year and then full time the year after that, and that means even if I
could figure out how to stay home, I have no one to stay home with. I’m
grieving this right now. All I wanted to do/be when I grew up was be a
mommy. I didn’t dream about being a teacher, I just wanted to stay home
and have fun with my kids like my mom did.
I have been praying for a
good two years now for a change that will bring some simplicity to our
lives. I realize that life doesn’t have to be easy, but I feel like it
doesn’t have to be as crazy as mine seems to be. I trust God, and I feel
like little changes, good changes, have happened because of this, but nothing
big has happened.
I sat through last year
watching over 10 people in my life make big, exciting changes for their
lives. I prayed for opportunities and looked in to options, but nothing
panned out. So I continue to live in one community, work in another, and
juggle two sets of school schedules. And I’m frustrated and done with
it but have no idea what to do.
I feel like I have lied to
myself for the last 8 years, pretended this was okay. I convinced myself
I would work it out, get to be just Mom, and that if I had to work having my
summers and Christmas break to play was a good option. I lied so that I
wouldn’t be where I am now, devastated that it didn’t happen for me.
I have been so cranky at
home this week because of this realization. It’s not fair to my family or
to me, but it just has to come out. I have to deal with this. I
have to grieve this loss and learn to move on.
What scares me most about
losing this dream, is I’m not sure what I’m dreaming for next.
